me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.