[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
You Might Also Like
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol