[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I’m not stressed
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.