On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Many hands make light work
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.