Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
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Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money