I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation