whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m confused about plants
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Oh no
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”