WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.