Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.