SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Left at a local drug store…
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The first one, obviously
Same pineapple, same
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Said the murderer.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON