until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks