Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
This is me 🤣🤣
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
それは草
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.