I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*