Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.