Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.