Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If you know, you know
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
me adding lol on a serious message
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
😅😅😅
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Please do it!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”