I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”