I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
mumsnet is amazing
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!