They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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SHARK鈥攊 bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS鈥攈old my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I鈥檓 fine
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
馃槀馃槀
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child鈥檚 umbilical cord* no
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 馃檹
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I鈥檓 sorry, Joshua, there鈥檚 been a misunderstanding
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resum茅
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.