[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
some Old Testament wisdom
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
just got my engagement photos
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.