All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!