People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me trying to look natural in photos
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Don’t we all.