I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’