Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
You Might Also Like
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
my proudest tweet
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?