If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I have many caverns
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs