Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
This is a true ally.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed