You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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crochet youtube is brutal
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
You can’t outrun your problems…
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Feels like the fourth month in January
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”