help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??