An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore