If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.