I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.