Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up