Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
You Might Also Like
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Watermelon Boss!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.