The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
You Might Also Like
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
spicy snake
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.