It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.