My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.