My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I love it all
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I am a gravy boat captain
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.