“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
You Might Also Like
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”