“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Ha.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.