My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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*limbos away from your hug*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.