Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
me, too, girl. me, too.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames