The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂