The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: