Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Optional boss fight.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Made something I’m not proud of
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.