Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
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No, I don’t think I will.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.