“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..