Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”