Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.