*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
You Might Also Like
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?