You Might Also Like
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Arenât you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Don’t touch that.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theoryâŚyes
Me: ok letâs do this
Growing up was a huge mistake
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I waitress because if I donât get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I donât feel like I have put in an honest days work.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated đ§
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
(Overheard in Connecticut)
âWhy is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?â
âMaybe because the market has been going down?â
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: Thatâs a croque monsieur
M: Oh thatâs a shame, Iâll have a croissant instead then please
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when youâre young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when youâre old.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Everybody thinks âFree Hugsâ signs are cute, unless youâre a boa constrictor.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.